I feel like I have been watching my relationship slowly explode for over 4 years. We have tried so ridiculously hard to make things work. We have done counseling, we have talked our issues to death. And you know what the even harder part is? We love each other. We really do.
Today we “broke up”. We hashed out how we will split custody, and money, and everything else we have built for the past 6 years. We didn’t fight. We didn’t bicker. For the first time in what feels like years, we had an adult conversation that included compromise and respect, and it was about us breaking up.
I would give absolutely anything to make this work. I want nothing more in the whole world. But wanting something isn’t always enough. I just think some perspective will help so much.
Four years ago, two years in to our relationship, I caught my fiancé having inappropriate conversations with a female. Very inappropriate things. Of the many many boyfriends I had had in my life, the person who did this is the last person I would of thought would do this. I trusted him 100% until that moment.
The moment was on his birthday in 2014. It was the time the Chug N Cheer challenge was all the rage and Cameron had been nominated. We had spent our day very simply. My sister and nephew lived with us at the time, and it was just a nice calm Sunday. I had had taken a nap, and woke up to Cameron saying he was going to run and get some beer for his challenge. He left, and I looked at his nightstand for some reason. ODD: He had left his phone. And for the first time in our relationship, I wanted to look at it for reasons different than before.
I checked his text messages. Nothing. Then I clicked on Facebook messenger. And there they were. Messages talking about “fucking in the bathroom” at the restaurant that the girl worked at. “We couldn’t be together because of our current significant others, but I wish we could”. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I had so many thoughts all at once. I need to leave. Wait, I can’t leave, my sister lives here. Who is this person? Where is she from? Have there been others. And thus started my insane over thinking.
I confronted him of course. The instant he walked in the door I asked him who she was. He never once denied it. He apologized. Now, this is the moment I had said my entire life that I would leave if this ever happened to me. I was that awful, terrible judgmental girl “oh, he cheated and she stayed, what an idiot” I would say. Its so amazing the things you think you know until something happens to you. I stayed.
I stayed. I made the conscience decision to try and forgive. I wanted to forgive him. I can say that I stayed because of my sister, or because I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. But really, I think I stayed partially because I wanted to forgive him and partially because I didn’t think I deserved better than that.
Fast forward to 4 years later. In four years we had a little boy and got engaged. I wanted to forgive him. And every few months for about a 2 week period I would forgive him. And those two weeks were great. And then something would happen. Either he would do something to trigger not trusting him, or I would find a random hair in my house and obsess over that hair for days on end. Who on earth wants to live like that?
We discussed breaking up a few time after we had our son. And every time we would say we were going to try harder. And we would, for a few weeks. And then things would go back to me being unbelievably mean to him, and him shutting down because of it. And finally, the idea of continuing to live in this miserable pattern changed me. And that was it. I feel very at peace with our decision. Its what is absolutely the best thing for us and our son. And when I doubt that I am going to think about the good times we had, and just be grateful for them.
Forgiveness if fucking hard. And sometimes, no matter what, you just can’t forgive someone. And thats OK! No one can say that we didn’t try. No one can say that we didn’t give it our all. But after 6 years, its time to see if I can do things on my own.