Socially Awkward Introduction

Hello from the humid middle of the United States. I’m Mary Beth. We are currently experiencing a heat wave here in Central Illinois and yesterday was well over 100 degrees. I melted in to a puddle and have just managed to pull myself back together. I’ve wanted to start a blog for a few years now, but every time I would look in to starting one I would chicken out. I’m not someone who is overly interesting, overly confident, or overly happy. I am, however, hoping that maybe, just maybe, this blog can help with those things. Really the goal of this blog is self growth.

I have always wanted to be adventurous, but have never had the gumption to make anything happen. I’ve lived a pretty boring 33 years so far in my tiny home town in Illinois. I’m engaged to someone from town, we own our centrally located 1934 built house that we share with our wonderful 2.5 year old son. My son is by far and away my greatest adventure. I was 30 when I had him. I had been told that having a baby would be very difficult my entire adult life. And then we made him, without trying. I don’t say it like that to make anyone feel bad or to brag, but he is the thing that I am most proud of.

On to Finn we go. Finn is my 2.5 year old perfect little boy. He is the sweetest, smartest, and coolest kid on the planet. I know I’m biased, but lord is he cool. He is cooler at 2.5 than I ever will be, and I am completely ok with that. He’s got hazel eyes, and curly blonde hair and will do just about anything to be able to take Woody with him wherever he goes.

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One of Finn’s many newborn photos. Photo Credit to Jamie C. Photography.

There he is, in all of his newborn photo glory. He’s the kid that comes running to me with the best face in the world telling me his shadow is chasing him. He speaks like a 5 year old, and counts to 20. He’s quite literally the best. The biggest thing I hope for in life is to help shape him into a good person. Which I think is something his dad and I both want.

Finns Dad is also my Fiance Cameron. We have been together almost 6 years and engaged for almost 2 with no wedding plans in sight. Not. A. One. We would rather put the money in to our house than a wedding. We have had many many many ups and downs and are still trying to work out co-parenting. But, one thing is for sure, he is a great father. And that’s not always the case.

I’m next. I grew up on a farm in rural Illinois. I have two sisters, one older, one younger and my mom and dad got divorced when I was 27. I have a specialized associates degree in Graphic Design from a college that is getting ready to close and an Associates of Fine Arts from a local community college. I currently work in my small town. I won’t say for who, but I work in billing. Its thrilling. (insert comment about sarcasm)

At 33 I am definitely not where I thought I would be. I used to have dreams about moving to New York or Paris. I was going to be a graphic designer at a advertising firm and live this great single life. Then, life happened I guess. I turned 21, found out what being in a bar was like, made terrible terrible decisions, job hopped like crazy, and just had no idea what I was doing. Time is so funny, at 21, you think time is all you have, at 25 you think you know everything, and by 30 you can’t believe how much of a decade you have wasted. For some reason 33 has made sick of waiting for something to happen and get in to the mind set of trying to make something happen. I also thought one big step was going to happen to me. Like someone was just going to walk up to me and offer me a job, or someone was going to give me a car just because. It took me a long time to realize that this doesn’t happen, and the only way to do it is hard work.

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Photo above: Us in 2016 for Finn’s 1st birthday photos. Photo Credit to Jamie C. Photography.

That is where this blog is going to come in. I want to grow something and stick to a goal. Not to make money but to set my mind to something and do it. I’ve always struggled with that. My goal is to publish a blog post every day for seven days. Tomorrow’s post is going to be about how sometimes being yourself and sticking to it can be alienating and lonely and ideas I have for myself to try and fix that.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

-Mary Beth

He just gets to watch us leave… 

The move is looming. We have been co-living for about 2 weeks now. I move at the beginning of next month. I have had pretty severe changes of heart. Luckily the ones where I don’t think I’m doing the right thing do not last very long. He is pretty sad and quite mute. Which almost makes things easier. Not his sadness, but his muteness. I have all of these new exciting things happening, and all he has is watching us leave.

I not only have started this blog, I have become an Independent Sales Consultant for a brand I love, I am getting a new car, a new house, and some “new” furniture. He just gets to watch us leave. He is keeping all of our furniture for the most part. Everything in this house will remind him of the past 6 years. Everything. I don’t know if I would be able to do that.

I haven’t cried yet. 6 years ending and I haven’t cried about it yet. I think maybe its because I don’t really regret any of it. Our time together has been pretty good. There have been some really happy times. But man there have been some really bad times as well.

Ive been trying to write a bit each day, but have been unsuccessful. I feel like even writing is a big decision these days. And there have been a plethora of those.

I’m going to end this one here. Sorry.

forgiveness is flipping hard… 

I feel like I have been watching my relationship slowly explode for over 4 years. We have tried so ridiculously hard to make things work. We have done counseling, we have talked our issues to death. And you know what the even harder part is? We love each other. We really do.

Today we “broke up”. We hashed out how we will split custody, and money, and everything else we have built for the past 6 years. We didn’t fight. We didn’t bicker. For the first time in what feels like years, we had an adult conversation that included compromise and respect, and it was about us breaking up.

I would give absolutely anything to make this work. I want nothing more in the whole world. But wanting something isn’t always enough. I just think some perspective will help so much.

Four years ago, two years in to our relationship, I caught my fiancé having inappropriate conversations with a female. Very inappropriate things. Of the many many boyfriends I had had in my life, the person who did this is the last person I would of thought would do this. I trusted him 100% until that moment.

The moment was on his birthday in 2014. It was the time the Chug N Cheer challenge was all the rage and Cameron had been nominated. We had spent our day very simply. My sister and nephew lived with us at the time, and it was just a nice calm Sunday. I had had taken a nap, and woke up to Cameron saying he was going to run and get some beer for his challenge. He left, and I looked at his nightstand for some reason. ODD: He had left his phone. And for the first time in our relationship, I wanted to look at it for reasons different than before.

I checked his text messages. Nothing. Then I clicked on Facebook messenger. And there they were. Messages talking about “fucking in the bathroom” at the restaurant that the girl worked at. “We couldn’t be together because of our current significant others, but I wish we could”. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I had so many thoughts all at once. I need to leave. Wait, I can’t leave, my sister lives here. Who is this person? Where is she from? Have there been others. And thus started my insane over thinking.

I confronted him of course. The instant he walked in the door I asked him who she was. He never once denied it. He apologized. Now, this is the moment I had said my entire life that I would leave if this ever happened to me. I was that awful, terrible judgmental girl “oh, he cheated and she stayed, what an idiot” I would say. Its so amazing the things you think you know until something happens to you. I stayed.

I stayed. I made the conscience decision to try and forgive. I wanted to forgive him. I can say that I stayed because of my sister, or because I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. But really, I think I stayed partially because I wanted to forgive him and partially because I didn’t think I deserved better than that.

Fast forward to 4 years later. In four years we had a little boy and got engaged. I wanted to forgive him. And every few months for about a 2 week period I would forgive him. And those two weeks were great. And then something would happen. Either he would do something to trigger not trusting him, or I would find a random hair in my house and obsess over that hair for days on end. Who on earth wants to live like that?

We discussed breaking up a few time after we had our son. And every time we would say we were going to try harder. And we would, for a few weeks. And then things would go back to me being unbelievably mean to him, and him shutting down because of it. And finally, the idea of continuing to live in this miserable pattern changed me. And that was it. I feel very at peace with our decision. Its what is absolutely the best thing for us and our son. And when I doubt that I am going to think about the good times we had, and just be grateful for them.

Forgiveness if fucking hard. And sometimes, no matter what, you just can’t forgive someone. And thats OK! No one can say that we didn’t try. No one can say that we didn’t give it our all. But after 6 years, its time to see if I can do things on my own.

lame myspace quiz

1. Last beverage:

Water

2. Last phone call:

My sister

3. Last song you listened to:

A song Dodie sang on Youtube about her bedroom.

4. Last time you cried:

A few weeks ago

5. Have you dated someone twice:

Yes. Ages ago.

6. Have you ever been cheated on:

Yes,

7. Kissed someone & regretted it:

Lawd yes.

8. Have you lost someone special:

Yes

9. What are your three favorite colors:

Blue, green, & pink

No

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list:

This no longer applies. But my answer in the myspace days would definitely be yes.

12. How many kids do you want:

2

13. Do you want any pets:

Yes

14. Do you want to change your name:

Nope

15. What did you do for your last birthday:

Spent the day with my family

16. What time did you wake up today:

5:15am

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for:

The day my son is potty trained

18. Last time you saw your mother:

A few weeks ago

19. Most visited webpage:

youtube.com

20. Nicknames:

MB, Mary B, Beef

21. Relationship status:

Engaged

22. Zodiac sign:

Cancer

23. Male or female:

Female

24. Height:

5’ foot 8”.

25. Do you have a crush on someone:

Ryan Gosling, wait, no, my fiance. Well, and Ryan Gosling

26. Piercings:

None

27. Tattoos:

2

28. Strong or Weak:

Depends on the minute

FIRSTS

29. First surgery:

Never had one.

30. First best friend:

Jewell

31. First sport you joined:

Soccer, I think

32. First vacation:

Branson or Chicago

33. First school:

Zion

34. First pair of trainers:

Lord, I don’t know. Probably some L.A. Gear high tops that I wore with frilly socks.

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes:

On me, lips.

36. Hugs or kisses:

HUGS. All day, errr day.

37. Shorter or taller:

Taller

38. Older or younger:

In reference to what? My fiancé is 4 years younger than me.

39. Romantic or spontaneous:

Do they not go hand in hand?

40. Sensitive or loud:

Sensitive.

41. Hook-up or relationship:

Relationship.

42. Shy or outgoing:

Hmmmm, both

If you have made it this far, you deserve a cookie….

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger:

Definitely yes.

44. Gotten a speeding ticket:

Yes

45. Lost glasses/contacts:

Yes

46. Sex on first date:

negative

47. Broken someone’s heart:

Yes

48. Been arrested:

No

49. Have you turned someone down:

Yes

50. Fallen for a friend:

Oh god yes

51. Moved out of town:

Yes

BELIEVE IN

52. Miracles:

YES

53. Love at first sight:

YES

54. Heaven:

i really don’t think so. But i think there is an afterlife

ho ho ho

56. Kiss on the first date:

Yes

57. Angels:

ummmmm, again, I don’t think I do.

58. Yourself:

Starting to.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time:

no

60. Been in love with someone you couldn’t be with?:

yes

61. Ever cheated on somebody:

yes

62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?:

I would go back to 21 but with knowing what I know now.

63. Are you afraid of falling in love:

No

64. Was your last relationship a mistake?

Not forgiving someone for something

65. Do you miss your last relationship?

No

66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?

My son

67. Have you ever been depressed?

Yes

68. Are you insecure?

Yes

69. How do you want to die?

I don’t think I want to think about this.

70. Do you bite your nails?

No.

71. When was your last physical fight?

Never really been in one.

72. Do you have an attitude?

I try hard not to, but sometimes I can’t help it.

73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti?

twirl

74. Do you tan a lot?

No. I stay out of the sun. But I do love a good spray tan.

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving?

Well yes.

76. Ever made out in a bathroom?

I don’t know

77. Would you take any of your exes back?

No.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

This is a repeat question I believe.

Its sunday night. I worked yesterday and had a nice meal with my family for my sisters birthday today

semi

81. Can you spell well?

Usually

82: What are you craving right now?

Nothing. Just had some ice cream 🙂

83. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes. Twice. I hated both times.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?

Yes, definitely.

85. What’s irritating you right now?

Game of Thrones

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?

Not physically.

Yes

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car?

Yes. Today actually.

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?

Milk chocolate

90. Do you have trust issues?

Yes

91. Longest relationship?

Going on 6 years.

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?

I hope not.

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs?

Who hasn’t?

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

To an extent.

95. Did you have dream last night?

Not that I remember.

96. Have you ever been out of state?

Well yes.

97. Do you play the Wii?

Yes, but I haven’t for a while..

98. Do you like Chinese food?

Yes.

99. Are you afraid of the dark?

Not usually.

100. Is cheating ever okay?

No. Not even a little bit.

101. What year has been your best?

2015. The year my son was born.

102. Do you believe in true love?

Yes

103. Favorite weather?

70 degrees and overcast.

104. Do you like the snow?

Yes

105. Do you like the outside?

I hate being hot. Hate it. So I only like it if it is below 75.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

Depends

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?

I would think so.

108. What makes you happy?

My kid laughing. Every. single. time.

109. Ever been to Alaska?

No but I would to visit in the height of summer.

110. Ever been to Hawaii?

No, but I would love to visit in the winter.

111. Do you watch the news?

Sometimes.

112. Do you love MTV?

Not for a long time.

113. Do you like subway?

Not really.

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

No

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Just be flattered.

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz?

For a blog post

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them?

Yes

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around.

Yes

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Someone at work

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My best good Friend, Jewell.

121. Ever bought condoms?

Yes

122. Ever gotten pregnant?

Yes

the never ending story of alcohol and anxiety

When I was much younger I couldn’t figure out why I would wake up from a night out and absolutely HATE myself. It didn’t matter if it was a simple 3 drink night or a 15 drink night, I would wake up with the worst anxiety that would take days to calm down. I would have waves of remembering things I said or did, and I would start to tingle, my eyes would close, and I would think I was going to be sucked in to a black hole. Every single time I drank I would feel like this for days after. It took me ages to figure out that it was the alcohol mixed with the social interactions that would cause this. And even after that, and still to this day for that matter, I had/have these little moments of remembering something embarrassing or something that I find to be socially inappropriate or awkward and I get a literal “shock” through my body and my anxiety is set off.

If I know that these things are going to happen, I have to ask myself why on earth I continue to drink alcohol. Now I don’t drink NEARLY as much as I used to. I used to drink every single day. So the anxiety would pile on itself like the laundry piled in front of my washing machine. I didn’t rely on alcohol, but there have definitely been parts of my life where if I didn’t have a drink in 24 hours I felt like I was forgetting something. Now its more like I have a drink every month or so.

Cut to my second to last time drinking. It was about a month ago at an outdoor Ribfest in my home time. It was hotter than balls outside and the Coors light tasted ridiculously good. I had gone with my sister, who heavily resembles Ruby Rose in not only her style, but her body size and hair cut, where as I resemble Lea Delaria with a hint of Melissa McCarthy. My anxiety was already a little high that day in anticipation of going out that night. And as I drank my ice cold Coors Light in a wide mouth 16oz aluminum bottle instead of getting more and more confident, I got more and more anxious. So I drank more. I was about 15 beers in. From what I remember I was loud. I embarrassed my sister by talking to a guy about her. And I made comments about one of my best friends significant other not liking me (there is no merit behind this what-so-ever). These things haunted me for days after. I would get waves of remembering bits of a conversation and BOOM, it would feel like I was seconds away from not being able to breath. I would be doing simple things like the dishes or just walking though my house and a wave of anxiety would hit me and I would have to stop and take a few deep breaths. This lasted for days. And it doesn’t stop when I am work, so ya, that is convenient.

Fast forward to my first night of not posting a blog. I had a happy hour for work. I had in my head I was going to go and have a simple two drinks, be as fabulous as Carrie Bradshaw during the Alexander Petrovsky era, and go home early. Ha. That. did. not. happen. In true Mary Beth fashion, I was the last to leave. I have about 8 beers, ate a pizza, and was just generally annoying. And then spent the 3 or 4 days following replaying every conversation I had and analyzing whether or not I said anything inappropriate. So that was fun.

I think the point I am trying to make/the question I ask myself is: WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO DRINK? Why? Why do I feel like I have to have a drink in my hand to feel accepted when i know how absolutely terrible I will feel for the days following. I say to myself in those days following that I am not going to drink anymore, or that the next time won’t be as bad. But guess what, it always is. I need to just stop. Ya, that’s the answer, just stop.

regrets are….

I think I just want to list a bunch of my regrets to put them out in to the universe, and then maybe I can stop thinking about them so much…

  1. I regret not being better about writing down all of Finn’s first
  2. I regret not being more career minded when I was younger
  3. I regret every single I time I feel like I hurt someones feelings. Every. Single. Time.
  4. I regret now realizing sooner that alcohol triggers my anxiety more than anything
  5. I regret not being more serious about some things
  6. I regret not being kinder to myself
  7. I regret treating myself so terribly
  8. I regret not watching the Star Wars movies earlier in life
  9. I regret being terrible about interrupting people. I catch myself in the middle of doing it. It drives me just as nuts as the person I am interrupting.
  10. I regret every single time my son has every had to look at me around my phone
  11. I regret losing touch with so many friends
  12. I regret being such an insensitive bitch for quite a while
  13. I regret …

I think I will continue to add to this over time.

Its another short one tonight. I have to keep reminding myself that this first week has been more about meeting my goal of posting for seven days straight. This week is quantity over quality. I am hoping to find a happy medium here soon. I want to try my hand at blogging about a recipe I have made. I will probably do that this weekend. I made the recipe tonight, so I have pictures!

I hope everyone has had a great day!

-Mary Beth

i mopped the floor

Tonight I cleaned my kitchen. I didn’t just clean it, I cleaned the entire thing. I even mopped the floor. There was nothing special about his Wednesday night, I hadn’t had it planned to do tonight. Actually it needed done about 3 weeks ago or so, but I would sit down at 6pm and was done. I wouldn’t do anything the rest of the night except play on my phone and play with my son.

I struggle with being very unproductive through the week and it drives me nuts. I lay down to go to bed at night and get so mad at myself for not doing anything that evening that I lay there awake for an hour being mad at myself. Ya, that’s productive.

But tonight, tonight was a different story, I cleaned the kitchen. Yay!!! I know it’s a baby step and tomorrow night I’ll probably just cook supper and then play with Finn instead of cleaning, but hey ho, it’s a start.

I hope everyone had a wonderful day!

– Mary Beth

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows

Tonights post was meant to be about family dinners and the positive effect having them as a kid and now as an adult have had on me. But after the absolute SHIT day I have had, the topic is changing. Today was one of those days that if makes you want to pull your hair out. And after what just happened I might have to.

There is someone in my life right now that I don’t really get along with. Not in a personal way, but in other ways. And this person chooses to to make some of the most snide, passive aggressive comments that have ever been said to me, and considering how i know this person I have to be very careful about what I say in return and how I handle the situation. Its maddening. And of course, without going in to specifics, something happened today right when i was going to have about 16 hours away from this person that made me want to pull my hair out and has ruined my entire evening.

Fast forward to an evening home alone with my 2.5 year old, because his dad is working over. Maybe it’s because of how shitty my day was, or maybe he really is just being a little jerk tonight but LORD HELP ME, he is having a hard time putting on his listening ears (thats what we say when he isn’t listening). I’m spoiled by him and he is usually very good. Believe me i understand how lucky I am, but heavens, tonight has tested me. He disagreed with everything I said or asked of him, and nothing I did or asked of him was good enough.

Jump to bedtime for Finn. This is usually my favorite time of night. Not because I am putting him to bed, but because the cuddles are the best! But tonight was different. Finn wanted to watch Peppa Pig before bedtime, and I said no because of how hard of hearing he had been all night. Well my normally agreeable 2 year old turned in to the exorcist. He started crying, then coughing, and then yes, you guessed it, he PUKED all over himself and me. Good gravy, what else? So I kept my cool, calmed him down, got the two of us cleaned up and was in his room getting his new pajamas as he stood in the living room wrapped in a towel. I walked out of his room in to the living room to see him PEEING ON MY FAVORITE SANDAL. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Once again, I kept my cool as I didn’t want to hurt potty training.

 

I have kept my cool all day. I’ve tried hard to look at things from different angles and chalk things up to a difference of opinions, but at this point, like I said, I might pull my hair out.

You might be happy to know that my 2.5 year old is finally asleep, and I am enjoying a La Croix and typing this. Looking forward to typing this blog post has helped me get through today. I know that it’s just one day and tomorrow will be better.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful day!

-Mary Beth

being yourself means people leave you

This one is going to be a little all over the place. I’m working out my style of writing and this is hard one to put in to words. I’m sure I will expand on it over time.

I think just today I have seen 4 or 5 quotes posted by inspirational social media pages based on being yourself and staying true to yourself. Be yourself and don’t apologize for it.

“ Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

– Bernard M. Maruch

But what do you do when you try to stay true to yourself but it drives people you love away? I’ll start with a for instance: You disagree with someone you love on something that has been bothering them. You simply offer up a different way of looking at the situation. Offer a different thought process and all of a sudden you aren’t being supportive, you’re not listening. This happens a few times, and before you know it, that person isn’t calling as much.

“ I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”

– Coco Chanel

But wait, I DO think about you. I care about you. I care about how you are. And I also care about what you think about me. Im harsh, and can be brutally honest, and I am well aware of the fact that that is not everyone’s cup of tea. But there are things about you that aren’t my favorite qualities. But I take them with all of my favorite things about you.

“ To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

– E.E. Cummings

I struggle so much with thinking that people walk away from me because of my, at times, brutal honesty. I have a temper as well which is something I am working on. And hoping that the act of writing helps me deal with some of the things that make me angry. I try so much to change myself and the things I say to be like what someone else would say or do, and then have anxiety driven bad days when I think back on times I don’t like how I said something or how I acted.

I want to stay true to myself and be myself no matter what, but it drives the people I love away, so what is the happy medium?

I hope everyone has had a great day!

  • Mary Beth